Several "RATS" ago the
master chef, "Mack the Elder" (ie the charcoaled brisket) offered to barbeque
a goat for the festive celebration at Sam Rayburn in April. "Killer"
(Feed-store man) agreed to purchase (actually I think he swapped one sack of
horse and calf feed) the goat and have it slaughtered and processed for
cooking. After scouring the internet for "goat cooking pointers" it was
determined that the subject (goat) should be a 20 to 25 lb. young, virgin
billy. This information along with certain processing points was relayed to
the purchaser ("Killer"). Several days before the RATASS was to begin
"Killer" called and told me the goat was to be delivered later that day.
I drove with "youthful" anticipation to the feedstore. Sadly that was the
only "youth" associated with this culinary delicacy. As the "goat herder"
(not to be confused with Stephen's Bar-Builder) opened the tailgate of the
trailer out stepped not "Billy the Kid" but "Ole Will". A very old, very
large arthritic artiodactyl of suspect linage...(see divergent evolution).
Although he was not a virgin he had been celibate for a number of years due to
age. "Killer" and I both, trying to make the other feel better, decided
that if marinated properly and cooked long enough "Ole Will" might just do
fine. We planned to prepare the goat on Friday night so that all RATs
would be present and that those who drank adult beverages would be drunk.
One of the points I had gleaned
from extensive internet research was that if the goat was sliced through the
ribs into 3 or 4 inch wide strips the meat would just "separate easily" from
the bone (lies, lies, all lies). When we mentioned this to our "slaughterer"
he said he didn't have a meat saw but would do the best he could to comply
with our wishes. (What we now know is that all he had was a damned ax.) When
the "processed goat" arrived in a tub of bloody ice water it was in four
"neatly hacked" chunks about the size and shape of an
English style mule saddle or maybe a Western style pony saddle.
After boiling for 75 minutes and
marinating in $37.00 worth of condiments, oils, vinegar, wines, beer, meat
tenderizer, milk, and ice water the delicate protein was placed in a sealed
container with 2 1/2 gallons of "Mack the Elder's" famous secret Bar BQ sauce
and hauled to the shores of Big Sam. Friday morning prior to daylight an
oak and hickory fire with mesquite chips was started in the big smoker from
Rusk. By noon the aroma issuing from the cooker was one that would make any
normal RAT "slap his momma". During the day "Will" was basted, brushed, and
innoculated with various types of liquids ranging from tap water to Canadian
Club. The smell and appearance was invitingly appetizing. About dusk when
all "fishermen" had returned to camp and we thought it was time for dinner to
be served, we discovered with the first slice of our knife that "Ole Will"
was TOUGH!!!! Probably approaching the toughness of one of the
saddles referred to earlier in this soliloquy. Regardless of how drunk the
RATS got or sans three day old sausage, no one could eat the goat. So in the
annals of RATdom, goat is forever removed from the menu.