The RAT'sASS has always
been a peaceful gathering. But, one incident almost changed that pristine
track record forever. It is simply known as The Fake Hole Incident. Here is
the background and the set of circumstances that shook the foundation of one
of the most sacred traditions of the RATS. It is one that must be re-lived
for posterity. Those that ignore history are doomed to repeat it...Let's hope
this horrific event is never repeated again.
One of the long
term members,
Jim "Bass Assassin"
Largent,
has never been one to find it necessary to be one of the 1st attendees to the
annual gathering even though collectively, he has lived closer to RAT base
camp than anyone else in the history of the event. Nonetheless, his
nonchalant attitude would be his undoing in the Spring of 2001 on a warm
evening, just around dusk.
In 2001, most of
the "regulars" of the RAT membership had already arrived by Wednesday and
casually discussed opening the time capsule a night earlier, since
the officers had already arrived. Though no one actually thought seriously of
breaking such a sacred tradition, the thought was compelling. When Founding
Father member
Tim "Killer" Hooper suggested
that
Jim "Bass Assassin"
Largent would
be particularly vexed by the actions of opening the time capsule, an epiphany
emerged from the slightly warped mind of
John "Cappy" Largent.
"Let's dig a fake hole
right next to the real excavation site and spread fake items near the hole
creating the appearance that tradition had been breached" exclaimed Cappy.
From there, the Founding Fathers took over and masterfully recreated a perfect
replica of a fake time capsule dig site for the following evening when the
lackadaisical Bass Assassin would finally arrive.
When the Bass
Assassin made it to RAT'sASS, great care had been taken to recreate
a realistic time capsule dig site, complete with shovel spade still stuck in
the ground for a masterful effect. In addition, we had been given marching
orders to be engaged in conversation with each other and to otherwise downplay
the 'Assassin's arrival.
As the Bass Assassin
approached base camp, we all saw him surveying the carnage of the breached
capsule out of the corner of our eyes. The tension was so thick you could cut
it with a knife. A sullen, despondent aura overtook the Bass Assassin as he
quasi-engaged in small talk, all the while growing more bitter when he finally
muttered the words, "Did y'all already dig up the capsule," knowing damn well
we had by the remnants of half-smoked Swisher Sweets, loose change and
random pages, crumpled and aged, that scattered the dig site.
All the
participants casually answered in the affirmative when Founding Father
Tom "Catfish the
Younger" Hooper plunged
the proverbial dagger into the heart of the 'Assassin. "Yeah, we decided
to do it since EVERYBODY was here last night, Catfish exclaimed.
As a cool breeze blew
through the campsite, the Bass Assassin's demeanor deteriorated in to a
cesspool of disdain followed by the longest period of silence in the
Assassin's long tenure of RAT'sASS. His mental atrophy then turned to
anger...and finally rage.
He unleashed a
monologue usually only reserved for the most desperate judicial orators. He
attacked the action, he cursed the Founding Fathers, he attacked the
unthinkable breach of tradition and he threatened to leave the gathering
forever. Once he had been given time to vent by the wise and omnipotent
Founding Fathers, he was made aware of the ruse...and harmony was once again
restored to the Order of the RAT.
John "Cappy" Largent
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